Bumpdate {Weeks 9-12}

I have been wanting to document this time in our lives, for.. well ever! I want to be able to look back and remember how I felt each week and how my body changed.  Pregnancy is truly an amazing thing and I’m so incredibly thankful I get a chance to experience it!

How Far Along? 9 weeks

Size of Baby:
 Green Olive

Gender:
 This is a big debate in our household – I’m all for finding out but it’s important to Logan that we wait… so we’ll see how it plays out 🙂

Weight Gain: 
I’m up 3.4 pounds according to the doctor’s scale but I feel like a lot more!

Maternity Clothes:
 Nope — although I feel like it’ll happen sooner rather than later!

Nursery: 
Pinning away to my secret Pinterest board. I’m not thinking we’ll necessarily have a theme… except “gender neutral” if we don’t find out!

Movement:
 None yet! Absolutely cannot wait for it, though.

Symptoms:
 I have pretty much been nauseous since 6 weeks! I’m not going to lie though.. I prayed so hard for morning sickness (yes, I was eating my words pretty quickly!) just to know that Baby G is okay! I’m definitely ready for it to be done though 🙂  I’m also so exhausted just all the time, which is a good thing!

Sleep:
 I’m exhausted all the time like I mentioned above, so when it’s time for bed, I’m ready around 8 pm 🙂 I usually have to get up to pee at least once – but this week, I had one night where I got up 4 times!!

Cravings:
 No real cravings to speak of at all. Thanks to the nausea, nothing really sounds good but I’ve been able to eat more this week and feel okay!

What I Miss:
 Sangria and margaritas!  I’m not going to lie, I’ve only had about 2-3 drinks since we started IVF in January so I’ve already been 6 months without alcohol basically but now that it’s starting to get warm out, I could use a tall glass of red Sangria!

Best Moment This Week:
 We had another ultrasound this week (our first was around 7.5 weeks) and it’s just SO great to have confirmation little Baby is moving and growing! The baby was dancing around, as the technician noted as well as was “waving” it’s little nub for an arm at us! It was the sweetest thing ever! After a few minutes, the baby just laid and didn’t move but it’s heart was beating so fast! The technician said he/she must have been showing off for us and now was tired 🙂 Sweet little thing!

Looking Forward To:
 Everything.  A belly, a kick, all ultrasounds, baby snuggles.  Everything

How Far Along? 10 weeks

Size of Baby:
 a Strawberry (1.18 inches)

Gender:
 Dying over this one… I mean, I don’t know if I can wait another 30 weeks to find out! Neither of us have a preference at all whatsoever, just a healthy baby but I’m such a planner… that I’m not sure I can wait!

Weight Gain: 
Up the same as last week – about 3.5 pounds.

Maternity Clothes:
 I’m not sure if it’s the fertility meds (that I was able to finally end this week – YES!) or what but I am definitely “showing” early! I’ll take it though – whether it’s bloating or not, I can’t wait to show off a baby bump 🙂

Nursery: 
Still deciding! Babies R Us is closing which has been great for us – we already bought the crib and so many other things for the Nursery from there for great deals!

Movement:
 A few more weeks until this happens but man oh man, I cannot wait!

Symptoms:
 Nauseous all the time still – it had gotten better in the morning a little bit but back to being all day. Nauseous if I eat, if I don’t eat, eat small meals, etc.. but at least I know little Baby is doing good in there! I’m out of breath doing any little thing these days – already! And extremely tired 90% of the day!

Cravings:
 More sweets – give me all the ice cream or blue raspberry shaved ice, please!

What I Miss:
 Cold subs! With the hot weather, I’ve been craving a good cold turkey and cheese sandwich!

Best Moment This Week:
 How excited Logan is for Baby “G”.  He’s VERY hands on with every appointment and is just so sweet while seeing our little one! We read on one of the apps this week that Baby can feel when you put your hands on your belly and can tell your touch versus a stranger, and he definitely loves feeling where the Baby is! Seriously, so sweet!

Looking Forward To:
 Our next OB appointment in less than 2 weeks when we get to hear Baby’s heartbeat! We really didn’t know if this was in the cards for us, so I’m just SO excited for EVERYTHING!

How Far Along?11 weeks!

Size of Baby:
A sweet little lime 🙂

Gender:
No idea! Still up for debate in our household about waiting to find out!

Weight Gain: 
I can’t say I’ve weighed myself this week.. although I’m sure it’s a little bit more!

Maternity Clothes:
still in my normal clothes but let’s be honest.. based on my pictures, it’s clear that there’s a little bun in the oven so I just ordered a few pieces to try!

Nursery: 
Still an office/guest bedroom! I think it’ll be a while before we clean it out to be the nursery!

Movement:
None yet! But man oh man, I can’t wait!

Symptoms:
Still nauseous and exhausted! The nausea is slowly going away (like 1 good day out of the week! I’ll take it!) but still just as exhausted as ever!

Sleep:
I am exhausted and ready to sleep when my head hits the pillow, however I need to pee about 4 times (not even kidding) a night!

Cravings:
Sweets! But really, nothing has been like “I have to have it!” Just yet…

What I Miss:
truthfully, just feeling good all the time! But I’m counting all my blessings and if being nauseous means Baby G is good then I’ll take it!

Best Moment This Week:
Getting our announcement pictures back! Our friend did them and they turned out just perfect!

Looking Forward To:
A million things!! We get to hear the Baby’s heartbeat next week at our 12 weeks appt though and that’s going to be the best!

How Far Along? 12 weeks!

Size of Baby: 
A ripe plum!

Gender: 
No preference! We’re more than happy with either gender as long as Baby G is healthy!  And we haven’t found out the gender yet (still up for debate!)

Weight Gain: 
7 pounds.. ugh! But I’m hoping now that I got the OK to workout a little, I’ll be able to keep my weight to the recommended amount!  And hoping now that the nausea has subsided, I won’t be eating so much!

Maternity Clothes: 
I haven’t started wearing them yet but I did just get in a cute maternity dress and leggings 🙂  Not much besides dresses are comfortable with this growing bump already!

Nursery: 
Still deciding on a theme or if we’ll even do one! I’m leaning towards a beige nursery and adding in more colors after Baby arrives and we know the gender!

Movement:
Not yet but we did get to hear Baby’s heartbeat this week!! Sweet little thing was moving around so much the doc had to chase him/her around! Let me tell you.. the BEST sound ever!

Symptoms: 
I finally have a little energy back which is great! But still exhausted too (if that makes sense) after doing a small thing like laundry!  The nausea has mostly gone away and I’m just feeling good.

Sleep: 
Aside from getting up to pee 3 times in the night (no joke), sleep has been fine!  My lower back hurts after a while since I’m trying to get used to sleeping on my left side, per the recommendations!

Cravings: 
None this week!

What I Miss:
I’m not going to lie.. I’m missing a nice glass of Sangria or a cold Margarita… it’s summertime and those just sound SO good right about now in the heat!

Best Moment This Week:
Hearing our Baby’s heartbeat and just knowing everything is still going well! When we heard the heartbeat, our doctor (who has been with us since our first miscarriage and who did our fertility testing/referral) said he had goosebumps and it just showed how much he really cares for us and our baby!  He said he hears heartbeats all the time but it’s just so special for some people especially seeing their reaction.  And our reaction was tears and smiles! 🙂 Baby G is loved SO much already!

Looking Forward To: 
Our next appt – that will be always, right?! 🙂 Also, looking forward to enjoying this second trimester now that the morning sickness has pretty much gone away (knock on wood!).

It’s funny, during our OB appt, my doc was laughing at me because he’d ask my symptoms and I’d say “I feel a bit nauseous but that’s good!!” and I’d say “My boobs are starting to hurt quite a bit, but that’s a good sign!”.  He laughed and said “the things people are thankful and feel blessed about after they go through what you have is just amazing to me”.

I really am so thankful and I know I keep saying it but I will never take any of this for granted!  Thanks for following along 🙂 I’ll probably keep this up weekly (or do a few weeks together like this one) just so I can remember everything!

Have a great day!

aKristi

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Life Lately!

Happy Monday!

It’s been a while since I’ve shared what’s been going on around here so thought I’d share… 🙂

May seemed pretty low key… we had only found out a few weeks earlier that I was pregnant and the morning sickness was kicking in!

I felt pretty crappy throughout the month of May (more on this later this week!) so we mostly stayed in for the weekends and just laid low!

We did get lunch for Mother’s Day with my Mom and family!

I’m also pretty excited to see this sweet girl! She’s getting SO old already!

After lunch, Logan wanted to check out Babie’s R Us since they’re closing all locations!  If felt funny buying baby stuff so early but a good deal is a good deal 😉

We had a few bigger events happening with my in-laws this month too! First up, we had my SIL’s graduation!  This is a big event for her so we definitely wanted to make sure we could help celebrate 🙂

I helped her with her graduation cap a few weeks before this – didn’t it turn out SO cute?!

We came into town Friday and hung with my family for a bit (Logan golfed, imagine that!) then headed out for dinner with my in-laws!  I was realllllly craving ribs for some reason so I was excited they agreed to Famous Dave’s!

I had to stop for my favorite, shaved ice after all!!!

After dinner, we headed to UWEC (Logan and my Alma Mater) for a quick tour since they’ve updated and expanded the whole lower campus!

The next morning, we headed to the Farmer’s Market before streaming Delaney’s graduation.  She could only get 3 tickets so we took Cambree to the Farmer’s Market…

And to play some mini-golf while we waited.

Thankfully, we streamed it just in time to see her walk across the stage and graduate!!

I started showing pretty darn early (if you couldn’t tell) so finding something to be “flowy” enough in my wardrobe for pictures was a little hard!

This was also the first time we saw my in-laws since finding out we were pregnant!

The following weekend was Memorial Day and we were headed to Oshkosh for my BIL’s wedding!

It was a hot day at about 90 degrees but thankfully we all stayed cool after the ceremony!

How pretty is my SIL?!

I got lucky with these girls! 🙂

The ceremony was outside and the flowers and set up were so pretty!!

The new Mrs. Griedl joining the family during their first dance 🙂

The venue was beautiful and it turned out to be such a great day!

The bride’s family hosted a gift opening on Sunday which was really nice to see the Newlywed’s before they headed to their honeymoon!  I didn’t take any pics on Sunday – just enjoyed the time!

We were able to share our news with some of Logan’s family after the gift opening on Sunday (we didn’t want to take anything away from Tanner and Erika so we kept it to ourselves until then!) which was really nice!  We figured we wouldn’t see them anytime soon after that weekend so it was a good time to tell.

Plus, we also had already had 2 ultrasounds that confirmed our little one! 🙂 Talk about happy tears!

We had friends visit last weekend and i’m SO bummed I didn’t take any pictures! We went to the zoo with their little one and it was SO much fun! Little P is such a doll!

That’s it for life around these parts! I’m finishing up the touches on the last part of our IVF journey and plan to share that tomorrow or Wednesday!

Have a fabulous Monday!

aKristi

BIG NEWS!

Y’all… I’ve been SO ready to share this amazing news with you all… like since I was 2 weeks pregnant (so crazy we found out THAT early!)! It’s finally the time to share…

Baby G is due Christmas THIS YEAR!! ❤️❤️

I just can’t even believe it, still! Honestly, I still can’t believe that I’m pregnant and that this little Baby will be ours this year!!

Thank YOU for all of your kind words, thoughts and prayers over the last 6 months! I truly believe in the power of prayer and after praying for over 912 days, our prayers have been answered!

I’m keeping this post short and sweet but plan to share how the last part of our IVF journey went next week and what happened when we found out 🙂

aKristi

March Book Review!

Im way late on my book review from last month (and totally slacking at reading this month!) but wanted to share anyway! I only read 2 books this past month but I’m happy I at least got through 1!

The two I read I’d definitely recommend! They were both books that made you think; one in a bit of a scarier way and the other as a “what if” sort of way!

Here we go!

Maybe in Another Life : Taylor Jenkins

Maybe i another life

This book was good! It was an easy read and it was interesting to see how one small decision can change your life. And it’s interesting to see what would have happened with either decision. I would recommend this one – it’s somewhat a chick flick but a quick read!

The Last Mrs. Parrish: Liv Constantine

THe Last Mrs Parrish

Wow… this book was all the thrills and mysteries! I kinda had a hunch about the big twist due to other books I’ve read but I had no idea how it was going to end. I would recommend this book if you like thrillers – it’s hard to describe the book without giving the story away so take my word on it and pick it up today!!

That’s it, folks! I’m hoping to start picking up my books more – and maybe with our impending snow (5-8 inches… again!!) this weekend I’ll be able to read a bit more!

For real though.. spring, where are you?!?

I’m going LIVE this afternoon around 4ish on my Facebook page for the blog to share more about Project 1:8 that we were chosen for! If you have time, check it out 🙂

Happy Friday-Eve!

Kristi

Bachman Spring House!

I know you guys love some good home decor inspiration and this house is just that! This year was more geared towards bunnies, unlike previous years but it still was just so cute with clever ideas!

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First off, the porch is just so stinkin’ cute!

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I didn’t snap a picture but that green rug is made from hoses all put together! I’m not sure how they got it all so flat but it was darling!

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I mean… I could just sit out here on the porch and watch the cars go by!

They used lots of soft colors including blush and that gave me all the heart eyes!

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How sweet is this dining table? It’s like “Oh this old thing?! I just threw something together quick” ha!

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Apparently I didn’t capture any of the kitchen this time – it wasn’t my favorite room – but heading upstairs, I always love the wall decor!

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And I just loved how they framed out the window on the stairs and added some plants!

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There are 4 bedrooms upstairs…

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The next room was set up as a bedroom.

They rarely have headboards – and I just love their creativity in making it seem cohesive without one!

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This was a little different… a bird bath filled with flowers on the other side of the bedroom!

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The next room was set up as a bedroom as well but somehow I only took one picture!

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The last room was set up as a butterfly conservatory almost – it was very overwhelming and I didn’t actually take a picture of it!

The bathroom upstairs is small but always so creative!

Look at that toiler paper holder! 🙂

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The living area was my favorite -without a doubt! I just LOVE a good blush and white theme!e

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It’s crazy the amount of time it must take to take down and set up the house – they paint every room or add wallpaper so it doesn’t have any similarities.

This is on the wall to the right in the living room above. And get this… ALL the flowers were real!

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The flower arrangements were just beautiful!

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The last part of the house was the little foyer area – for Christmas, it was a bar area and for fall they set it up differently too! This year, was almost like an outside tea party 🙂

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This is literally one of my favorite things in the Twin Cities area.  If you live in the area, check this house out! It’s only $5 for a ticket and you get $5 off your purchase at the end if you want to buy anything from the house.

Oh yeah – and if you think this is good, the holiday and fall houses are the BEST!

Have you been decorating for spring or are you ready for summer?! I’m sure ready for spring or summer especially after ANOTHER snowfall!

Have a fabulous day!

aKristi

Life Lately!

Hellllllo! Finally, a blog post and just to warn… it’s full of pictures!!

Life has been busy and slow at the same time the last few months and I’ve missed this little blogging community and am glad to be back at least a few times a week (that’s the goal!).

Here’s a look at what we’ve been up to the last few months!

You know our love for Bingo on Saturdays and our good friends finally joined us for it!

We didn’t win, imagine that, but it was good to catch up and enjoy a frivolous day!

My doctor’s office is near this little gem of a spot!

They have cookie dough donuts along with chocolate bacon donuts and so many more!

We went to a charity dinner for a charity Logan works with through work.

There were some games, silent auctions and good food!

And this might have happened…. thanks to Logan!

*Correction, it’s a trip to St. Lucia – any tips or advice, let me know!

My poor sweet grandpa passed away in February, but we were thankful to spend more time with this special lady! I mentioned previously that I lived with my Grandparents for 2 years in college and again at the end of my Senior Year and I will always cherish that time with them!

Love my cousins!

And I got to spend a little more time with this sweet girl!

You can’t tell but her sleeper has flamingos on them!! So stinkin’ cute!

We celebrated this guy turning 30 with a dinner of his choice; Chinese!

And Gayle registered for graduation so we went out in St. Paul for lunch to celebrate!

I had brunch with these lovely ladies who I hadn’t seen in forever – no joke… since like November!!

Loved catching up!!

I met up with Ashton for a mani and coffee date! We started these little dates back last year and they are just SUCH a good time to chat 🙂

Love this girl and am so thankful for our friendship!

We stopped by Elaine and Adams for some St Patrick Day fun!

It’s always fun chatting with these girls!

Then we headed back to Elaine’s so I could use my new camera to snap a few pics of this cute guy!

I mean…. 😍😍

Such a cutie!

We celebrated my Brothers birthday last week – with my Sister and Nieces!

And was lucky enough to spend a few days with my sister and nieces!

We experienced the Mirror Maze at Mall of America!

img_4703-1And my sister freaked out from claustrophobia within the first 3 minutes of being in there!img_4606

The girls rode all the rides they could!img_4607While my Sister and I hit up Sugarfina..

img_4585 And Dough Dough…

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The girls enjoyed a trampoline type park that just opened by us, one morning!

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It was actually pretty sweet all the stuff they had!

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And hit up Bachmans Spring Home tour! A definite favorite!

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And ended the day with an Escape Room with my nieces!

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We had done one other Escape Room with my inlaws previously but this was a lot different; you had to solve and answer 3 questions before getting out (and you had to figure out how to escape as well). It was pretty cool and the girls loved it!

The girls left the next morning to celebrate Easter at my Grandma’s the Saturday before Easter and Logan and I hit up the Opera!

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Wanting to try something new (Logan’s idea!), we bought tickets to Rigoletto at the Ordway and enjoyed a night at the Theatre!

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We didn’t know what to expect but it was hard to read the subtitles above and watch the show!  It wasn’t our favorite thing (we’re more into musicals and plays) but it was worth a try!

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That’s a wrap! Logan cooked a huge turkey (aren’t we supposed to be eating ham on Easter? was my response! Ha!) on Sunday and we enjoyed a real Thanksgiving feast 🙂

Well, that’s a wrap!

What have you been up to lately?!

aKristi

Things I’ve learned from Infertility

I blinked and March is over and again, I’ve had TWO post this month – TWO!  I really did have the best of intentions to sit down and get inspired to write more and share more but with everything IVF going on in our world right now, it’s been hard to do that.

I had quite a few of you reach out to me with some questions about IVF and IUI.  I’m thinking of doing a Q &A so if you have questions, feel free to email them to me at Happilyevergriedls@gmail.com – they’ll be anonymous on the blog so ask away!

I began thinking about our journey as we get prepared for this next step (and hopefully the end of our VERY long chapter to become parents) and reflected on everything I’ve learned over the last 2+ years. Despite all the uncertainties, I came to realize I actually have learned valuable lessons throughout this process.

The 10 things I’ve learned:

  1.  Patience: I am one of the most impatient people and this journey is all about patience. It’s not on our time and there’s a lot of waiting.  I have a hard time not knowing when it will happen and IF it will happen but I’m learning to “enjoy” the ride.  I grew up thinking of a timeline for when I’d get married and have babies but infertility has taught me that it doesn’t go by my agenda.  I know that when it does happen for us and we become parents, our journey will be exactly what it was meant to; and it will all be worth it! I’m still working on the whole patience thing for now though…
  2. You never know what someone is going through: Although someone may have a sweet smile on their face, it doesn’t mean there isn’t more going on in their life and they’re hurting. In fact, “sometimes the strongest ones around us are those who smile through the pain, cry behind closed doors and fight battles nobody knows about.” Be nice to everyone you meet and do me a favor, don’t ask “when are you having kids?!” because one day you’ll ask the wrong person at the wrong time.
  3. Relationships are number one! You need a good support system who is there when you want to talk about it, cry about it or vent.  Trials can bring you closer to those you love and help ease the heartbreak.
  4. Life is hard about 90% of the time.  It’s not fair. It’s heartbreaking and it just plain sucks. The trick is to start each day with gratitude for the good parts of life and remind yourself of those things over and over and over again throughout the day.
  5. Things do not always go the way we plan; in fact, it rarely does. If plan A doesn’t work, then we go to plan B or C… Luckily, there are a lot of letters in the alphabet. I’m hoping Plan B/C will be our answer!
  6. When life is too hard to stand, kneel; There is someone who is always ready to listen and knows EXACTLY what you are going through. He has your life planned out and knows the reasons for your trials.  Go to Him through prayer.
  7. Never, ever give up: There are times that I want to and there will be times that you DO but pick yourself up and try again.  And hope for a better outcome the next time.
  8. Choose to be happy: After you have a few hours minutes of tears, pick yourself up and carry on with a smile. Life is so much more than what you’re going through and always remember number 4; gratitude.
  9. You’re stronger than you think: Infertility is a funny thing; it makes you dig deep to find the strength to keep moving along everyday through all the medications, confusion, procedures, negative outcomes and the just plain unknown. After the last few years of “trying” I realize that all of my trials growing up have prepared me for this time in my life. It’s prepared me for the struggle we’re in now. I know I’m stronger because of all those times I didn’t understand and for all the times I still don’t understand.
  10. Everything happens for a reason: This has always been a quote in my head since I was  younger – anytime the bad stuff happened, it happened for a reason, right? This is the same situation – I know this is meant to be our journey and when we have that little one, we are going to be SO grateful but right now, we have to remember there’s always a reason for everything that happens, even if we don’t see the reason for a very long time.

aKristi

February Book Review!

Thank you all for taking the time to read my blog post from Sunday on our journey with infertility. All of your comments and messages meant so much to me – I can’t thank you enough!

So, I sucked on the blog front last month due to a lot of those personal things but I’m ready to get back into the swing of things and get this little blog going again!

I kept up with my reading this past month and read 3 books so even though it’s already the second week into March – I’m sharing my review!

First I read…

A Summer Affair: Elin Hilderbrand

A Summer Affair

Of course, another Elin book, right?! This wasn’t my favorite Elin book… I took me a while to get into it – I knew I wanted to finish it but after the first few chapters, I still wasn’t crazy into it.  Once I got halfway through, I had to keep reading because I really didn’t know how it was going to turn out! I’d recommend it because I do love her writing style but I’d give it more of a 3.5 out of 5.

Next, I read…

A Stranger in the House: Shari Lapena

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This was the second book I’ve read by this author and this one didn’t disappoint. I really didn’t see the ending coming! It’s a thriller and it keeps you on your toes; who’s the bad person?! This book starts with a generic housewife getting in a huge car accident and not remembering anything that happened.  To make matters worse, the car accident is near where a man was murdered – how do they relate?! I’d give this book a 4.5 out of 5 and I’d recommend this one if you like mystery thrillers for sure!

Lastly, for the month..

First Comes Love: Emily Giffin

First Comes Love Book

This was the last book I finished in February.  I’d read a few of Emily Giffin’s books previously and love her style – this book didn’t disappoint. It’s about tragedy that strikes a family and how each member has dealt with it.  It takes place 15 years after the event and it’s interesting to see the family dynamic.  It had a similar instance of what we’re going through right now, which was a total shock to me but I suppose rounded out the book. I also liked how she made a nod to one of her previous books with one of the relationships in this one – I always love when authors do that! I’d recommend this book – and give it a 4 out of 5!

Ok y’all.. i’m onto the next book! I have a running list in my phone of books you’ve recommended and I can always use more – so if you’ve read one recently that’s a MUST, please let me know 🙂

aKristi

When trying isn’t enough..

I’ve written this post in my mind over a million times but can never find the right words to express my feelings about this journey we’ve been on the last 26 months.

When it comes to {really} personal matters, I’ve always believed that those should remain private.  Sure, I love sharing my life and documenting even the little moments on this blog but something this personal, we’d decided to keep between us and our families. To be honest, it’s really hard to talk about (especially for Logan) in person and he was worried, the more people who knew, the more they’d ask.  After much thought and discussion with Logan, I’ve decided to open up to you all about the struggle we’ve been having which is much different than the “perfect” life some of you think we have thanks to social media.

The Defeated Phase:

We all have friends who decide they don’t want children or want to wait until a certain age but from early on, I always knew I wanted to be a Mom and Logan a Dad.  A few weeks after we met (8+ years ago!) Logan mentioned he wanted a big family and didn’t want to waste too much time.  I found that to be very intriguing as most guys don’t just gush about having kids right away.  I told him we needed to wait until we were engaged because due to things in my past, I have just a few trust issues.  He took his sweet time and 5 years later, we were engaged and a year and a half after that, married!

We took no time trying to become parents after our wedding. We kept thinking “this time, next year,we’ll have our own little one and be parents!”.  We just couldn’t wait! I wasn’t naive in thinking it would just happen for us (based on those past things, things have never come easy for me) right away as it did for the majority of our friends.  We heard “it happened the first time trying” more times than we can count! But I also didn’t think it would take this long and a countless amount of shots, either!

After 7 months of trying, we finally saw two pink lines on a pregnancy test at the end of July 2016 and we were so eager to have our little one in April.  We had our first appointment and everything was confirmed “We were pregnant!” and more over the moon than you’ll ever know. We couldn’t wait for our next appointment – the ultrasound!  We got to our appointment bright and early (7 am before Logan headed to the office) and couldn’t contain our excitement! I drank all the water that morning and got ready for the ultrasound.  We had already told our immediate family and some close friends and had heard all the “can’t waits!” before our appointment.  A few minutes after seeing our little “peanut” on the screen, the tech let us know gently that she couldn’t find a heartbeat from our little one. It was the most surreal moment of my life and the most heartbreaking for both Logan and I. I couldn’t believe it – this was supposed to be the best day ever and it was turning into a day I wish I could forget. I couldn’t bring myself to even look at Logan as I walked into the bathroom to change out of my gown as I knew just the sight of his pain would completely break me.  I wasn’t stupid.  I knew the statistics for miscarriages and I understood they are common but that doesn’t take one ounce of that hurt away.  This article explains my feelings almost exactly – if you’ve been through it then you know, it’s just heartbreaking.

  I never knew I could grieve someone I’d never met.

I can’t even explain to you my feelings about both of those days.

Life went on around us and we continued to receive SO many pregnancy announcements.  As happy as we are/were for every couple, I couldn’t help but feel so much jealousy and sadness.  And the re-run of questions “when is it our time?! when can we have it happen for us?!” Those pregnancy announcements have turned into babies and then 1st birthday parties.  Finally, after about 10 months of more trying, because all doctors believe it can take up to 12 months to get pregnant before there’s concern, I went back to my OBGYN and expressed my concerns.  We clearly weren’t getting pregnant and I didn’t understand why – especially when it did happen the one time! I just kept thinking “do we only get the one chance?! And that’s how it ended for us?”

The Testing Phase:

My OB suggested we do a few tests on both myself and Logan to see if there was a reason this wasn’t working for us.  We started what seemed like a million pokes, prods and dyes and I could feel myself “hoping” they’d find something wrong with one of us. I mean, if there’s a problem, they can surely fix it!  But everything came back clear for both of us and at that point, my OB referred us to a fertility clinic.  We met with the fertility specialist and he explained that we have what’s called “unexplained infertility” and they have no idea why we aren’t getting pregnant.

Certainly not the words I wanted to hear.

We asked for next steps and he suggested IUI (Intrauterine insemination) treatments.  These treatments entail fertility medications taken for a number of days to produce an additional egg or two during your cycle.  Followed by multiple vaginal ultrasounds, I then had to do a “trigger” shot to trigger my ovulation.  Exactly thirty six hours later, I’m be back in the clinic to be inseminated (with L’s sperm). This option only had a 10% chance of working but it was worth a shot.  I never truly understood the magnitude of having a baby and getting pregnant until after all these appointments. It’s truly a MIRACLE that anyone has a baby!

We tried IUI 3 times before realizing that again, that isn’t working for us. I was still getting my period every month and it was still so depressing every month.

We decided to take the month of December off to give my body some rest from all the fertility meds and shots and just enjoy Christmas before moving onto the next {bigger} step.

Where we are currently:

We spoke with our doctor about IVF after our unsuccessful IUI attempts in hopes this is our answer; it has a 60% chance in working and we just knew we had to give everything a try before knowing if it just wasn’t going to work for us.  Now, IVF is insanely expensive and insurance only covers a small portion so it was a big decision we had to make – we might only get one shot at this – was it something we could afford to risk?  We didn’t have to discuss much because we both knew in our hearts we were meant to be parents and if this is our journey, then we’ll walk it together.

We started our IVF journey earlier this month.  Those are probably the most emotionally loaded three letters I’ve ever typed.  The fertility ride is a roller coaster and you never really know how far along on the ride you are.  That’s one of the hardest parts.  The ultimate unknown and worst part of all this, is we can go through all of this without success.  That we’re doing all of this for just a chance to be parents and you might have to do it again and again (if money allows).

Through this journey, I’ve felt frustrated and embarrassed that my body isn’t doing something that so many others are.  Lonely because the  majority of our friends have children and haven’t gone through this to understand what I’m feeling.  Jealous every time there is a new pregnancy announcement on social media and always swearing I’m going to deactivate all my accounts to avoid having the hurt every time I open up Facebook. Guilt for even feeling this way. I’ve felt left behind as I watched almost every friend move onto this next chapter, wondering when it will eventually be our turn.  And so silly because I know there are so many women going through more years of infertility, more miscarriages and so much worse than us.

But at this point, I need to focus on our next step which happened to be daily injections (multiple times a day) and working on getting my body to do what it’s meant to.  It meant blood work almost every other day along with vaginal ultrasounds. I hoped that after so many injections, I would get used to the pain and it would become the “normal” but unfortunately that wasn’t the case. You are never prepared for the injections or the unnatural changes to your body from the insane amount of hormones. You can’t be prepared for the lack of control you have on any outcomes.

I had my retrieval a little over 2 weeks ago and while we sat there waiting for the CRNA to take me back to the surgery room, I couldn’t believe this was our life.  I couldn’t believe this is what we are doing right now.  I never imagined this would be our life.

We have a LONG way to go from here but it’s a good start to hopefully the end our journey to become parents.  Infertility and IVF is talked about so much these days – on TV (have you seen Fuller House?!) as well as through friends of friends that it almost seems like common.  But that doesn’t take away from how tremendously brave and strong each woman is throughout her unique journey. It’s something that should be talked about more because it’s something that no one should have to take on alone.

I wasn’t sure if I wanted to open up about this to the world and share my personal feelings but it’s not something we’re ashamed of and it helps to have a supportive team/friends.  Thanks for listening to our journey and about this time in our lives, whether you have children, aren’t quite there yet or are in the thick of it, thank you!

aKristi

January Book Review!

Somehow I managed to read SIX books this month! Can you believe that?! I went from reading zero books to six and I’m not stopping there!

I haven’t done a book review in forever because I haven’t found the time or truly had any interest in opening a new book but this month, it was a game changer!

I LOVED having the Kindle this month – I didn’t know how I felt about it since I really do like to hold the book but having the Kindle and my library card (yes, a library card and I realize I’m late to the game!), I loved being able to rent another book right after I finished the other. And I didn’t have to go anywhere to do that – jackpot!

Let’s jump right in!

One

Beautiful Day

The first book I read this month was Beautiful Day by Elin Hilderbrand.  I had  no idea what this book was about when I picked it but figured if it’s by Elin then it can’t be bad!  I was right – it was so good and left me wanting more!  It’s about a wedding on Nantucket (ugh, when can I visit?!) and a family who lost their mother years earlier .  She can’t be there for the wedding but wrote up a whole notebook full of ideas for her daughter’s wedding.  It’s a really sweet and simple read that I definitely recommend!

Two

The Break Down

I got this book from my SIL for Christmas and I was eager to read it.  I’d read another book by this author last year and realized that I really do like to read these thriller type books!  Again, I didn’t know what to expect or what this book was about but it was so good!  It’s about a murder that happens one night while a girl is driving home and how her life unravels after it.  It keeps you on your toes and makes you want to keep reading.  Definitely a book to add to your list!

Three

Here's to Us

This book wasn’t one of my favorites this month! I thought it was good but there were a lot of different characters and it was told through each of their point of views which made it hard to follow.  I also didn’t feel like I “connected” with any of the characters.  The story line was a little heartbreaking but I loved the ending! I’d definitely recommend it if you’re like me and trying to read ALLL the Hilderbrand books 🙂 But I’d save it for a last one. I just didn’t love it overall!

Four

Couple Next Door

Oh my, this one kept me on my toes! I had some suspicions during it but didn’t see the end coming.  If you love thrillers, definitely give this one a try! It’s about a couple’s baby that is kidnapped and trying understand who took the baby.  Is the baby alive still? I wouldn’t advise reading it in the dark or by yourself but I would advise you read it 🙂

Five

Identicals

Ok… this is my favorite Elin book so far!! It took me a little bit to get into and I kept thinking… is this as good as everyone says?! But it totally is! This is about two identical twin sisters who live on separate islands (Nantucket and Martha’s Vineyard) and hadn’t seen each other in years.  Their father passes away and they find each other on the same island dealing with their feelings and what happened.  It unravels and is so so good! If you read any Elin Hilderbrand books this year, make sure this one is it!

Six

The River at Night

I read this book based on another blogger’s recommendation and I can’t say I loved it, at all. It was hard to get into and even at the end, I thought… really?! It’s about four best friends that go on a camping trip and white water rafting – things don’t go as planned and it tells their journey.  Hopefully that’s not saying too much.  Pick it up if you’re a hiker/camper but it just wasn’t for me!

Well, that’s all folks!

I’m hoping to keep up with this reading craze and i’ll be back to share another book review for February! I wrote down your recommendations from before but if you have any good recs for thriller/suspense books like above, let me know! 🙂

aKristi